( the words have only just left her mouth and already the phone is away from her ear by the time he calls out, finger hovering over the "end call" button. remains frozen there longer than it probably should. this phone call, the one she had hoped might re-build (or at least haphazardly mend) the bridges burnt between them only seems to have kindled that flame once again. hanging up won't take back anything that's been said (or unsaid) between them the last few months, but it can at least prevent the devastation from spreading.
but will, he's always been the weak link in her otherwise perfect armor, so she listens in silence. squeezes her eyes shut when tears start to burn there at his hushed plea.
none of this; leaving that night, calling him now, none of it was ever about hurting will. if anything, knowing that pain was an inevitability had allowed her to put things off for longer than she might have otherwise. he was already so shattered after johnny and tunny left, breaking him further seemed cruel. no, it was never about hurting him, it was about saving herself. taking this child, that she still had no idea how to take care of and still somehow loved more than life, and figuring out how to give him the life he deserved. which, in no way, included watching will drink and smoke his life away on the couch.
at a certain point, and with no real way of knowing how long she's been sitting here in the stillness of the living room, unspeaking, simply listening to him breathe on the other end of the phone, she lets out a shuddering breath. maybe her reaction to a harmless nickname was a bit exaggerated, but she and will are a slippery slope. a fact she knows all too well. no, putting her foot down was good. no matter how awful she feels now. )
That's what I want too. ( a small concession, all things considered. there are a lot of things she wants. this may just be one on a long list, but it's pretty goddamn close to the top. ) Things are really...god, things are really messed up, I know that. (this is why night time is the hardest. during the day, it's easier to smile and tell people that she's fine. to act like she has her life together even though most days it's all she can do to function. might not be able to at all if it weren't for the baby. but the truth is that she's still a mess (just a functioning one), doesn't tell anybody about the days she leaves work to go home and finds herself parked in front of that cramped little home they used to share. muscle memory leading her here before her brain can kick in to stop it. )
We can't just go back to the way things used to be and pretend like everything's normal. I know that. ( the longer she talks the more strained her voice becomes, until it's almost painfully obvious, at least to herself, that she's struggling. with the conversation, maintaining any small semblance of composure. just struggling. ) I just wanted to talk to you. ( a short pause, a pained little laugh. )Want to talk to you. Present tense.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 05:57 am (UTC)but will, he's always been the weak link in her otherwise perfect armor, so she listens in silence. squeezes her eyes shut when tears start to burn there at his hushed plea.
none of this; leaving that night, calling him now, none of it was ever about hurting will. if anything, knowing that pain was an inevitability had allowed her to put things off for longer than she might have otherwise. he was already so shattered after johnny and tunny left, breaking him further seemed cruel. no, it was never about hurting him, it was about saving herself. taking this child, that she still had no idea how to take care of and still somehow loved more than life, and figuring out how to give him the life he deserved. which, in no way, included watching will drink and smoke his life away on the couch.
at a certain point, and with no real way of knowing how long she's been sitting here in the stillness of the living room, unspeaking, simply listening to him breathe on the other end of the phone, she lets out a shuddering breath. maybe her reaction to a harmless nickname was a bit exaggerated, but she and will are a slippery slope. a fact she knows all too well. no, putting her foot down was good. no matter how awful she feels now. )
That's what I want too. ( a small concession, all things considered. there are a lot of things she wants. this may just be one on a long list, but it's pretty goddamn close to the top. ) Things are really...god, things are really messed up, I know that. ( this is why night time is the hardest. during the day, it's easier to smile and tell people that she's fine. to act like she has her life together even though most days it's all she can do to function. might not be able to at all if it weren't for the baby. but the truth is that she's still a mess (just a functioning one), doesn't tell anybody about the days she leaves work to go home and finds herself parked in front of that cramped little home they used to share. muscle memory leading her here before her brain can kick in to stop it. )
We can't just go back to the way things used to be and pretend like everything's normal. I know that. ( the longer she talks the more strained her voice becomes, until it's almost painfully obvious, at least to herself, that she's struggling. with the conversation, maintaining any small semblance of composure. just struggling. ) I just wanted to talk to you. ( a short pause, a pained little laugh. ) Want to talk to you. Present tense.